I'm Owning It. I'm A Pool Karen

 I'm a people watcher.  I suppose if others around me are also people watchers they are most likely blogging about me right now.  That crazy lady at the pool with her head phones on jigging in the middle of the pool all alone.  I kinda made up my own little  water aerobics class today.   

While away on vacation I've enjoyed being plopped by the pool.  Boy do you see a lot of fun stuff people watching at the pool.  Yikes and wow.  Here are my top five things you should never do at the pool based on my keen sense of observation today.  If you are squeamish about straight talk this one may not be for you.  Here we go:

1.  Never attempt to do a mushy tik tok video with the man of your dreams with your brand new iphone while you are in the water.  I mean sure you tried to set up your phone positioned next to a cup on the pool edge and got yourself all snuggly and kissy hanging on each other like primates in the wild but look what happened.... your phone took a nose dive. That was an expensive tik tok my friend. Don't do it. My suggestion is to Get a room, we don't want to see that and your phone will  stay dry.  You are welcome,  sincerely the pool Karen.

2.  If you are playing with one of your kids in the pool, tossing your three year old up in the air (with her full expectation that you are going to catch her) and simultaneously have a lit cigarette hanging out of your mouth, please expect that when she comes down from said toss the water will indeed put out your nicotine flame.  Oh and worry more about the kid drowning next to you than your cig.  Again, don't do it.  Your multitasking stinks and your kid is probably still  crying. I suggest you quit the smokes and catch the kid. Voila a quality family experience. There ya go... You are welcome, Sincerely the pool Karen

3. If you are going to spend a great deal of time going back and forth from pool to bar proudly displaying your umpteenth beer please take note that there are steps going down into the pool.  After your first 7 beers I think you might need someone to help you get into the pool or better yet stay out of it.    You apparently  didn't see about three of those steps.  Lay off the beers. Better yet don't attempt to get into the pool after getting sloshed.  I hope your face feels better tomorrow. I did my best to keep my laughter back cuz I know that had to hurt when you face planted.  You are welcome, Sincerely the pool Karen.

4.  This one made my poor husband slink away because I may have gone over the top with my Karen-ness.  The condo gives you a card that has your room info.  To get pool towels  you  have to give them the card and they return that little gem when you return the towels.  Hey don't get me wrong, I'm all for control measures.  I can support that.  But for pete sake have someone available to give you  the card back when people are leaving.  I had to just take matters into my own hands and climb behind that counter and find my card.  The ding dong towel bouncer was over flirting with the bar babes.   Upon the towel bouncers  return to the counter (catching me red handed)  I reminded them if they have their little card rule then please have an attendant available because climbing over that counter took some effort for me.  I was still wet from having been in the pool so I kinda slipped and slid whilst trying to hike my leg over the top. I mean I made it fine and managed to hand out a few more cards to others in need so I felt I did a service there.  In retrospect I should have just absconded with the towels and saved my legs the trauma. Next time I'll stretch before the attempt because I'm clearly out of shape.   My husband was no where to be found at that point because apparently I was not very graceful and quite loud in my objections.  oops  again....trying to help ya here folks. I suggest you  make those towel bouncers do their jobs so I don't have to.   All my love the pool  Karen

5.  Last but certainly not least.....please do not wear a thong bathing suit and expect that people are not going to notice (with eye rolls)  No really...we noticed. That flossy, flimsy swath of material looked like it was about to give way and I was quite concerned. I kept my distance out of fear it was gonna pop.  It looks painful and quite frankly gave me a continual wedgy kinda feeling all day just seeing it.   The sun is not suppose to shine there.  Beyond that it was just more than I needed to see after my lunch.  I would recommend no one ever anywhere consider that as a bathing suit option but if you really must....oh forget it.  Just don't you look dumb. I'm not gonna lie I kept an eye out for that there string to pop and I do mean that  in the least creepiest way possible. 

There you have it.  Pool time and entertainment.  Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds! :)

Sincerely the pool Karen