Let's Start At The Very Beginning...

 Growing up I was a big Julie Andrews fan.  I wanted to run up a mountain and twirl my skirt and sing to the top of my lungs like she did with her  beautiful  head of hair as it blew perfectly in the wind.  I had her haircut back in the day just hoping when I twirled it would look like hers.  I  hate  to say it but nope.  No such luck!   The Sound of Music was a favorite for our family and I'm pretty sure I have it memorized.  One of the songs in that musical was Do-Re-Mi

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read, you begin with A-B-C
When you sing, you begin with Do-Re-Mi

And the song goes on.  I remember being so excited during that part when they sing while swinging from trees and running around the city in their matching, albeit  gaudy, outfits made from some awful drapery! :)  It made me feel like I could do anything.  It pumped me up! I danced around my living room singing it to the top of my lungs!  (ok ok I was a kid!)

Starting over at the very beginning of anything  is not always easy.  I've had a lot of "start overs" in my life thus far.   I have started new jobs with a great deal of uncertainty as to whether I could hack it. Having my first child made me question if I could  ever possibly do that again.  I'm not a "natural" at motherhood and especially not babies. I was literally mocked at church for not wanting to help in the nursery.  I was petrified. WOW did I question my very existence in those early months of my first baby.  I have had to go back to  basics of walking after hip surgery and slowly emerging from walker, to cane to slowly taking  steps on my own. That was painfully slow and it required the patience I didn't have most days.   I've had to relearn what eating and chewing was going to be for me  post major jaw surgery.  I'm pretty sure those doctors will  have supersized jewels in their crowns after working with me in rehab.   I moved to a new country and that is, in my opinion, the ultimate start over in every single way possible.  Learning how to use a squatty potty, figuring out what was going on around me when I had no idea what people were saying.  Sitting in language school on day one and mortified that I couldn't figure out that the teacher was just telling me to open my book.   And last but not least having my kids help me because they were learning at a much faster pace than I was.  It was humbling.  All of it.  Humbling, scary, difficult on the highest end of the scale and yet...man I loved it!  I woke up during those days ready to give it another shot.  Fail  or flourish I loved the challenge.  I'm just weird that way. 

My personality is such that I embrace challenges.  I do enjoy it when someone tells me I can't do something....I have a little bit of "oh yeah, watch me" deep down inside at all times.  I used to purposely walk around in China and try new things just to see if I could do it.  I would attempt conversations with people (with my limited Chinese) so I could  figure out if I understood as much as I thought I did.  (often times the answer was no but it was fun to try)  I actually work hard to temper that "oh yeah watch me try"  side of myself  because it can come with its own set of battles. 

As time passes I think I'm learning balance.  Standing at the starting line now comes with a good deal more contemplation.  I think as I age I think on things more before I act.  I think that's natural for most people.  I personally have to work at that.  I like diving in and then letting the chips fall as they may. I'm actually fine with the mop up of a fail.  But that kind of mindset is not wise for me now.  I have to pull in the reigns and remember for Pete's sake Carol you are a grandmother now.  Stop wishing you could  jump out of a plane or off a cliff! :)

Young Carol would say go for it.  Jump in with both feet and you'll be fine.  I love adventure.  I love the bumps and bruises of the journey.  But that's changing.  This is  age talking now.   I'm wading with more caution and I'm willing to sit some things out too. This new phase has been hard for me.  I'm always looking at adventures and trying to figure out if I could try it and not end up in the hospital. I've even asked myself if we are up on our deductible. LOL 

The middle age season of life has some challenges.  I'm finding myself wanting to try things that I've always wanted to but the opportunity just didn't come along.  I was busy raising kids and serving along side my husband in ministry.  We had a lot going on.  Now I feel like it's my time to give some of those things a shot but I'm seeing my limitations.  My limitations make me a bit sad at times.   

I'm currently working on several of my own business ventures.  This is ABSOLUTELY something I would have never considered myself to try if  you were talking to the younger me.  I've found satisfaction in seeing it come together.  I've had to start over several times and pivot  to markets as well but for me it's been fun and exciting to see if I could  do it.  My  husband has been behind me, beside me and in it all. He's been willing to take risks with me and has been my greatest cheerleader.  I've proposed some crazy ideas to him and he often says "I'm with you.  I trust you".  It's been fun....even when I've fallen short.  I've learned so much.  

In my personal life we have had some start overs too.  We came back from the mission field and that was, in and of itself, the mother of all start overs.  I felt so lonely.  I felt so out of touch with life here. Friends came and went.  Their lives kept going over all those  years and it no longer included me.  It was not easy by any stretch.  I  changed.  I grew and I also learned a lot about me that needed to do some more changing and growing.  It was just plain hard.  People didn't get me or it.  Everything during those early times coming off the field was met (in my mind) with a comparison of what life was like on the other side of the globe.  I had adjusted and adjusting back was really rough. 

For us we've started over with friends, relationships and church too.  I believe we see things from different lenses now.  I think sometimes those lenses are clearer and other times there are big smudges.  I don't quite believe everything the same as I did before I left for the field.  My mind is a bit more open in terms of hard and fasts, rights and wrongs and associations.  My thinking expanded some but with a bent towards ensuring we didn't neglect viewing everything with God's word in the forefront.  We are standing on the front porch of a whole new house right now.  It's just me and my husband as empty nesters.  New church, new friends, new....well...everything.  

Circle back...I did say I  like a challenges.  We are in the midst of some new challenges and I'm reminding myself that with every new "first" there are always fears.  I'm reminding myself of all the promises of God's word.  He gave them to us for such a time as this.  He can be trusted.  He has always taken care of us through every transition.  This transition to the middle is something else.  BUT  it's not new to God.

Don't fear the "firsts".  A life lesson that applies over and over and over.  First job, first child, first "new" thing.  Don't fear it.  Run to God and ask Him to walk you through it.  Don't try to dodge it.  Don't try to skirt it.  Don't pretend it doesn't exist. Listen, learn, obey and follow.  Let God do in you what only He can do.  He will make clear the path and provide light for your feet and grace for your fears.